Thursday, February 7, 2013

being uncanny in february

After my first blog post someone told me that death is one of the most inspiring and traumatic events we can ever be a part of.  Traumatic, yes; but inspiring?  This seemed a little cold hearted, but cold hearted things are often hard truths and when I realized this I had already acted out this inspiration in my life without even catching it.  Death makes you realize that life is short, so get your fucking shit together.

Jason Robillard wrote this post and it was a slap in the face, a friend died at 27 was a shove in the right direction, and this Charlotte Smith sonnet pulled the trigger.  What's that, Charlotte?  You're jealous of dead bodies being washed out to the sea?  You're doomed for the rest of your life?  Me too. ...Wait, what?

So one day I just changed it.  I changed every single thing I hated.  I ended my relationship.  I moved.  I applied for internships.  I booked a hotel to go run 100 miles.

When you alter such big things in your life you expect to feel crushed.  Your life flips and you stumble for footing or reach for something to grab on to.  You get tidal waves of emotion yet feel like they're slamming into your own brick wall.  In changing your life so dramatically it's expected for everything to feel foreign and out of place until you get used to it.  Everything feels unfamiliar.  What was different this time was that I found familiar in the unfamiliar.  There's comfort in being uncomfortable.  There's stabilization in change.

Change creates uneasiness.  It can be traumatic, yet you always tend to get some kind of inspiration from it, even if it takes months.  Two things in life are inevitable: Death and change.  If death is traumatic and inspiring, then we can use the distributive property and say that change is both of these as well.

Once you start identifying with a Charlotte Smith poem, it should be a clear indicator that something has to change.  Sometimes you have to completely lose your shit in order to get your shit together, only to feel like you already have your shit together.